Page 672. "You are the Beloved, you searched for, your whole life." Reading this does nothing. Knowledge does nothing. Knowing...Realization...aah! That is something. How to reach that state. Nobody can give it to me. i cannot acquire it like any possession of mine. There is really no way. Then why the longing followed by regret. Leave me be. Unless you can give it to me, why trouble my poor soul?
Page 668. This question may be unconnected but it is evoked by this page. Often you find someone very manipulative in your life, and a great liar, distorting facts in order to follow some agenda of his/her own. This agenda may be very complex and rooted essentially in that person's insecurity. When he/she is unable to deal with his/her own complexes and goes out to harm you and your relationships with other people and this is violence against another human. what should one do? Even though i understand the backdrop of insecurity in this person, why should i allow my peace to be disturbed. Can one remove this person from one's life and walk a path which doesn't cross them OR because i decide to be spiritual, i must be goody-goody and suffer in silence? Is not self preservation of the state of this body and the peace of this mind, which is mine, my first duty? Self-interest is my dharma, then come other people. If this body or mind gets diseased how will i have the strength to achieve my total potential. Please don't say - be good, do good. This is what society says. But society itself is unnatural and in dis-ease. I'm terribly confused.
Page 658. Yes. Therefore there should be no inhibitions when one speaks. One learns so much about oneself. Although sometimes silences too are required.....
Firdaus is a really beautiful narration and story . Wish i could write poetry as amazing as this. Trying to learn urdu....after coming across Firdaus.
Page 655. Why did the Murshid choose Mauluddin for His benevolence? What was special about Mauluddin that wasn't there in other people - e.g. Mehrunissa, Ahmed, Behram, Mauluddin's friend etc etc?
Page 646. Why do we people go on perpetuating and believing lies like this? Nothing like this ever happens. Illusions all. Our state of drunkenness and absorbtion in certain matters - we create 'miracles' and believe in them because without 'beliefs' we stand alone. And Alone is a dangerous and frightening state. Requires courage.
Page 607. Aage kya hua. Please bata do.....Sigh!! Life is so stressful if it doesn't reach some conclusion. Incomplete threads - so many. Its like hanging from a cliff....for ever and ever
Page 599. "...he had drunk that fateful cup of tea." A small action, a small decision to share that cup of tea with a stranger changed Mauluddin's life. 5 years ago, a similar happening, when i sent a book as a gift to 2 unconnected people, one of whom was Dr Abdul Kalam. ( i haven't been able to answer Why?) Both replied with similar return gifts, but the other stole my heart and destined to be my Murshid. I often was upset with my Master, because the journey causes pain. He relied "you started it. the responsibility is yours. No Master ever interferes in another's mind, thoughts, energies without the permission." But once tasted this nectar from a Master, there is absolutely NO going back. Can't. So beautifully BT says "You are free to not be free." Beautifully worded page. Brings back remembrances....
Page 578. At tiring times like this, the hurt against one's Master is a very human reaction. If Mauluddin would entertain any doubts - is this my Master, is He a Master at all, would the Master drop him for lack of adequate love and faith for the Master like any other ordinary human being?
The poetry in this story is the most amazing. I can understand the english translation only which is equally rivetting. One day, i too will be able to understand these fantastic verses directly....and maybe write my own too. May the sorrow continue. No beauty, no poetry arises out of happiness.....longing and anguish is the seed for all beauty and poetry.
Page 544. As i read BT story and Umsi's comment on this page, after a longish break, i begin to understand how deep and powerful an insight this is. What goes to the very depth of my being are BT's words " the responsibility for our own deepest choice ". Umsi's comments on this " When you become more aware, more conscious of your own choice, you take responsibility and do not feel like a 'victim' of anything." Can anything be said more beautifully. The whole of life's sorrows can be wrapped up in this. Thank you, BT and the voice of BT in Uma.
Thank you, Umsi, my saviour. Its only because of your interpretations of BT's words that i can sometimes move on with the story. Yes, i know this - all pains and hurts are egos. At such moments, something seems to come close and then move away like quicksilver - something i'm not able to catch. Practically speaking, at the peak of intense pain, what can i SUDDENLY do to dive in - i'm not able to grasp this elusive something. And what about the deepest, greatest, most heart rending, the mother of all sorrows and aches - the separation from the Master. Would one put it in same category as all pains and egos? How can one convert the yearning for the Master which, in fact, is actually a yearning for that own seed within us waiting to flower, into the purpose for which the yearning and pain exists. Sigh !! Too long sentence formation. Hope my garbled way is still somewhat coherent. I read your post again and yes, beautifully worded. Every time i have pain, i promise you, i will locate that hidden, subtle ego.
Page 544 - Over the years, I have come to understand this experientially, that when something painful happens/ something I resist, dislike, it is only to show me something about myself which i need to look at and thereby become free of. 'Ego hides in your resistance' says Bharat. As you take a deeper responsibility for your own freedom, your own joy, you stop 'fighting' so much with what is happening (its just the material to show you who you are) and dive into the 'insight' it holds for you. In this case, Mauluddin has somewhere chosen to be free. His own larger choice of THAT does not 'allow' the universe to support his attachment to Firdaus.When you become more aware, more conscious of your own choice, you take responsibility and do not feel like a 'victim' of anything. This is what Ustadji is pointing to. Just sharing what I got from it:)
Page 545. Yes, i know this 'bitterness' - more of a disbelief that the Beloved has 'dumped' you. One keeps denying it, the presence of it makes one feel a little guilty too -- so it is buried. Yet you know the bitterness against your Master's action in cutting off the kite-string to you exists...what to do now?
Page 544. Sigh ! I'm sorry, BT. I haven't understood which 'truth' Ustadji is refering to. And which 'responsibility'. Please, if You or anyone else can, do elaborate at this juncture.
Page 541. I don't believe all this -- this pain will set you free. Free from what? When i don't see my bondages, what do i want to be free from? All Masters speak this language - they just speak. Hrmphhh. And what if i too, like Maulludin, DON'T want to be free. I too just want to be with my Master. Always. This separation is killing. I don't like it. Do we show a sweet to our children and tease and trouble them by taking it away? We don't. Then why do Masters tease us. If You show us a glimpse of something beautiful, give it. If You can. Hrmphhhh again.
Page 539. Once again it happens. I read this page after having already commented on the previous page. The hair begin to prickle as i gaze upon this page and the comments and unsaid questions in my previous post....what is the best way to 'live' thru this, BT? One can fall in any direction - down in total despair of madness or fall up into grace. What determines which direction one will fall/rise? Will the Master come now, to hold Maulludin's hand OR will He allow Maulludin to swim by himself, not caring whether he floats or drowns, whether he goes downstream or upstream?
Page 536-537. I cry with Maulludin. And then i wonder - maybe there is much i have to learn. If i cry at what is obviously a story, how will i detach from the the story that is mine and look at it as just what it is - another story. As 'unreal' as Maulludin's story. At the same time, i am conscious of the fact that this story has pain, feelingly and beautifully etched, which must have been experienced by the author, Bharat, too. Does this mean that one can't reach anywhere unless its thru scorching pain? Are there no flowers on the way. Many moons ago, i had laughed in my Master's face and said, 'this journey is fun. It needen't be pain.' He was silent. I now know why.
Page 533. At times like this it is VERY, VERY difficult to find gratitude / surrender / love for the Master. The only thing which i can see is darkness, an abyss and despair. There seems to be no room for anything else. The hardest thing is when the Master pushes you away from the nest. How can one see light at such moments? And how can one find the wings to fly?
Page 530. Ahhhh how can Mac be separate from BT. Tell me. This side of the page writes BT and on the other is Mac. "All this was just a game for you". The memory of my plaintively asking this very question and "You were practising on me' hides the hurt. Maulludin, Friend in Sorrow, lets hold hands.
Page 529. This page mirrors my situation. Like deja-vu. A conversation between my Master, BT, and nirja. BT is the Master. Does this mean that the sigh should not escape, and the tears not fall....
Oh Maulludin. The Master is going to give you a hit. She, and the Master in her, are going to dump you. My eyes are already moist with the thought of it.
How paradoxical is my last post -- intense love, the likes of which shakes my inner to its very foundations and equally intense despair. I know why there are two opposing ends - Mac: i worship His every word; but deep down i suspect that, since He is a householder and as such, His primary concern is wife and children, many of His 'workings' are influenced by His wife, who is doubtlessly very evolved, yet not my real Guru. Mac exhibits absolutely no ego - if His wife says, Sit, He sits....If she were to say Stop talking, He would.....THIS jars me. No wonder when i recently bought an idol of Krishna, i hunted and got one without Radha. Having said this, let me add that i love Mac's wife too, intensely. and she loves me. This is my inner knowing. Sigh! I've confused myself. I wonder when the clarity will come.... Mac moved away for BT to step in. The question is ; this has been going on for centuries. Will nirja ever learn?
Umsi, my tears fall as i read you just now, a proof that my Master Mac's going away has left wounds which are yet to heal. I don't know if He had said "You are God", whether it would have worked. But had he told me He is going away for me to find my wings, it would have silenced my mind. That He just dumped me and disappeared---two things are clear from this opening up with you, as if you were my diary : 1) that probably my surrender is mostly verbal and not complete - otherwise whatever He would do, i would accept. Yet i'm fighting with Him. 2) That i am fighting with His decision, therein lies my ego. The I exists. Knowing this, why can't i let go of my pain and wish He had talked to me - absence of communication is the biggest mischief-maker among people, including Master and disciple. In later months, Mac even denied that He was my Master and said that His life's greatest mistake was this one. The last part of your post reminds me of what Mac would often say "first you have to be friends, then cut off their heads!" When Mac used similar loving words to another as He said to me, i retorted : "Come into my parlour, said the spider to the fly." I don't seem to be able to forget Mac. I remember Him with immense gratitude and a very deep abiding love, despite myself, yet.....this hurt of His just moving away, without any communication, still remains...
Niru :)you asked if the pain is necessary when a little communication would've done the job....Now, just imagine the scene ~ Firdaus tells M that this is the Murshid's wish...that this is surrender etc..Imagine now what M would go to... he would feel that Firdaus does not feel the same as the Murshid; she would like to be with him but what to do? Murshid has spoken.How does this work? On both counts, it will fail. One, Firdaus is in complete surrender to her Murshid. She does not want a love affair with M. She wishes to go with what her Murshid says and the key point is - they are not separate...so there is no sacrifice on F's part. Two, how would M go to heart break if she did not reject him? Three, he would stay 'holding on' to F and angry with his Murshid...and why break his heart?? Because how can another, however dear, be the destination? Most importantly, that is not what M has chosen...he may not, right now, be conscious of his own choice to be free... but somewhere he has chosen. And if a Master could indeed just speak to me and tell me - 'just surrender. Make your will mine...' and it WORKED, why wouldn't He? Infact, if He could say, why would He say that? He would just say, 'You are God. Believe it.'And that would be it. One meeting. No journey, no nothing. But does it really happen that way...through communication? He can communicate and tell it like it is, only when you are so aligned...there is hardly any veil...or atleast so thin, that it falls as he speaks...For the most, the Murshid has to get one there, by hook or crook.The Ultimate Con!! ha ha ...such compassion )))such Love to even bother to con you !! :))
Page 517 - 518. So much pain. Is it necessary when all it needs is a little communication...if Firdaus could have told Maulludin that this is the Murshid's wish, that she is as broken as him, that she loves him but sees the Master in even the moon, that this is surrender - by example, Maulludin would learn faster. Is it not? Is pain REALLY necessary to grow, as i have always believed. Is that why i too learn (if at all) only by the fire. Because i believe that only pain can remove the layers as in an onion. Love is an impotent teacher. If i believed otherwise, could intense love lead me to my inner Source?
Thanx, Umsi. Yes. The words have penetrated - the ultimate selfishness and the ultimate joy comes in the joy of others. Not to be confused with the nonsensical social work which is an imposition. Acquired. Bargaining. TODAY i've understood the difference between the two. I would often sneer at peopel who acquired 'prestige' and their place in heaven by 'giving' joy to others. And never really understood the Masters who talked about this ultimate joy. I often wondered how masters could talk what seemed like nonsense to me. Today i've understood, not intellectually (which is actually impossible to understand from the mind) but in the workshop of these 2 days. NOW i know why i've got the high today - so blissed out. The Master chooses His own way, in His wisdom, to give one an experiential understanding. ~~~~~~ As for the moon bit, some understanding seems to come but then floats away. I'll wait till the Master decides the right time.... ~~~~~ Your last few lines are too beautifully done. Yes this too i know. Yet why do i anguish to meet the physical form outside of me when He and i are one? ~~~~~ Thank you, Umsi, for everything. Behind you stands the Master. Behind and in you.
512. As I understand, niru, :) there are many kinds of 'wines' in the 'tavern'...some less refined, some more...some of the more refined ones are for example, classical music, or moments alone in silence. The most refined pleasure is 'listening to a Master speak, being with a Master.'
So, one aspect is making oneself happy. However, if you are really 'selfish', be greedy for the ultimate joy...and that is, as Masters say, to be got in the joy of others. So, with Masters, their cup overflows...their joy spills over, so to say. This is not some 'sacrificing mode'... it is not my joy versus others' joy. Their joy IS one's joy, because all separation has ended....It's like, can you be good to your legs without being good to yourself? ha ha
As for seeing the Master in the moon , yes, the Master is in all things, everywhere, but that is a truism. What can sometimes become true for you is a moment where He comes alive in some particular way...and that night, Firdaus does as He says and asks M to go...she is in deep loneliness, a vacuum... so perhaps, He feels close by to her in the moon...He is with her when she can surrender to His will, so to say...
As for why everything is not you....it is. It is. But we are still in duality, still fragmented...infact, the Master Himself is me...the highest self of me, is Him. Till I am not fully emptied of 'me' (the mind, the 'nafs'- tendencies) till all veils are not dropped, I see my highest self in Him and so surrendering is only about surrendering to one's own higher self. The Master does not exist... not as a personality...only as a mirror... :)) just thought to share..
Page 512.I need to absorb these words "the only joy is in working for others, in their joy". This idea is not in my knowing. It puzzles me.
Firdaus actually sees her Master / Murshid in the moon? Are there not Masters everywhere - in the trees, the blossoms, the sky, the earth, who show your their own inherent, different and unique gem .
Why does everything have to be Him, the Master? Why is it not that everything is you, yourself. Why is the Master more superior to me? Why am i not Him? How can i be Him? ...... i wonder
Page 509. How well i know this pain of separation. Let me try to describe it ............... Unfortunately, my Murshid did not say that we will meet again. I wonder where i have suppressed that yearning, that ache, that wringing, that desolateness, that despair, the anguish, the cry, the reaching out .... for a wisp of cloud, which flew away.
Page 508. I love the way of putting it -- Geography :-)) One thing strikes me, however. If Firdaus had known at that time that her loneliness was part of a great design, she would probably NOT have sought refuge in her kathak and poetry. Without these two creative activities, the world would have been a little dull and dry. So even her NOT knowing about the design was a design. The knowing and not knowing - both serve a purpose. So why worry if one is in the 'not-knowing' state. Even as i say these very wise words, it doesn't stop me from wishing to be as knowing as BT and to be Him JUST NOW. Sigh!! So much for my 'wisdom' hahaaaa.
Yesterday's story ended with a very significant sentence "The veil had fully slipped off her head" on Page 497. It seems so strongly to me that my inner sub conscious knew whose face will be behind the veil. If this is so, there must be some way or exercise by which we can allow our vast subconscious knowledge to be visible and revealed to our conscious state. How we can do that, only the Master can guide..... With this esoteric knowledge, one can live life with wisdom. Is the key to this wisdom 'silence' and 'absolute attention (something like my yoga teacher calls for, during each asana, done at the slowest possible pace)'?
Page 498. This is very eerie. I wonder if other people experience this as often - a word / phrase said earlier stares back at you much later as a written word in any story that you are currently reading ? 5 hours before reading this page nirja writes this on Uma's Wall on FB : "BT is a star far, far away. You are the 'face' of BT for me, Umsi. His teachings reach me thru you." What is Existence trying to show me, i wonder. What is the point which i still don't understand? What is it ? How is it? I haven't paid much serious attention to this phenomenon and always dismissed it, but, really, i must.....Can it be just fluke or a coincidence.....
